| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|01:53 am] |
So my last post was a little depressing so I will try for an up beat one.
I met a nice girl named Skye. I hope we can live happily ever after.
I am trying to embrace my hobbies/goals to help with paranoia and self esteem issues.
Learning Russian
Yoga
Guitar
Getting a Carnivious plant Nursery going
Growing a balcony Garden
Studying harder or school!
Baking
Preparing healthier meals
Get back to painting
learn to knit
...thats it for now : )
( Read more... ) |
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| A few things that should noted. |
[Jul. 14th, 2008|12:44 am] |
I do not believe "true" love exists. I believe there are many few that can fully envelop themselves into a relationship allowing them to eel the full intensity of the chemical overload. If they are so lucky then they find the same in another then this strange phenomenon occurs. I pity those that carry that trait and find someone who doesn't, like a genetic misevaluation. This belief forces me to realize that some will never understand the true insanity of falling in love. I also believe there are varying levels of intensity and longevity of said collection of emotions.
I wonder where I stand?
Note number two
I've spent most o my adult life trying not to become mother but I've always treaded dangerously close. I have inherited her natural paranoia and neediness.
I am forever ambitious fueled by fear.
I can not say weather or not I will ever be complacent in who I am. I can say however, I have learned that no matter what you do or how much value you gain from it; if you do something earnestly there will always be someone that will admire and respect you for that.
I will never be "her". I will never be curvy, a savant of any sort, tan, naturally pretty, talented or charismatic.
I had spent years trying to be a genetic version what people found interesting. Then I spent even more trying to hid what I had been.
I am going to try to be honest. I am going to try to indulge into my own hobbies and interest with out fear or apprehension. I will no longer focus on my short comings and work on what I know. Trusting myself will be a herculean task.
If there is something I feel I can not do or am unready for then I will wait. I will focus on my capabilities for now.
Note number 3
I can't get somethings out of my head. I hate the fact some universal being gave me memories I never asked for. Or worse they happened by celestial accident. Doctors might say that I was in the second stage of grieving but what about the memories that have nothing do to with death? Its unfair that I have to have things inside of me that make me sick. I still to this day can not understand why someone would do those of things to another person and why it was me. Every happy memory of my sister is tainted by her lifeless body. Every peaceful memory of curling up in bed is tainted by handful of men. I fear nothing in my lifetime will be pure and truly joyful.
If I could have one small thing in this life I knew I could hold on to. I could think with out corruption, I think that just maybe I could forgive myself. |
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| So its been 24 hours |
[Jun. 30th, 2008|09:54 pm] |
I had a dream the last night.
Matt and I had adopted a baby polar bear and our entire apartment was almost an entire green house. Both were pretty amazing. When I came home from picking up the polar bear's medicine dearest was being rather cantankerous. I asked him what was wrong and he complained about me being slothful, a dead end and completely selfish. So I told him I'd make dinner and he could just relax for a bit. Before I could finish the meal he'd wondered off. So I change my course of action and went to clean the house. While cleaning I ran across a lucky bamboo. I ask him where he'd gotten it. He told me a friend. I asked which friend. He told me no one. I asked him if were a internet friend or maybe a coworker. He told me it was coworker. That she was pretty and not me.
Then I threw the bamboo through the siding glass door and left.
With the baby bear : P
Then today I got this email
Barbara jean u to stop doing what u are to sister and dad .. i can hating me i did my best and love u with all my heart and u throw way like shit thats fine with me u treat bad as u what ik am not comming back to make a pain my self..but i don't like the way u are treating father and sister u better grown up your frien d are not your fammily..u don't have to worry about we are done u have your live and i hnave mind ik love u BUT i am b etter person to let u treat me shit ...i have cried over and guess what i done u are not making sick ...i am turning my back...i know doing right thing in my life i talk to crissy ev eryday she don.t like your family soon u need them and them won't . i going to mandy i done criing u your not taking my life from me....i went jamie party seen aunt jean and aunt anant and told them why u are doing to aunt jean said it dum thing....same i done with u and child act...so bye.....i hope u get out of life but don't lokk fgor i done with you child...and tell i mean i was letter i going to save people realing what said and not what say truthy will out
This is it decoded.
Barbara jean(Gene), you to stop doing what you are to your sister and dad . I can see you hating me. I did my best to raise you and love you with all my heart. And you throw it away like shit. Thats fine with me. You treat bad as you what because I am not coming back. to make a pain my self (this could be translated to "Too painful for myself") But I don't like the way you are treating father and sister. You better grown up your friends are not your family. You don't have to worry about what we are doing. You have your life to live. And I have mind. I know I love you BUT I am better person to let u treat me shit . I have cried over and over. I guess no matter what I've done you are not making me sick . I am turning my back. I know what I am doing is right. Every day in my life I talk to Crissy. She doesn't like what you're doing to your family. Soon you will need them and they wont be there . I am going to tell Mandy I am done crying over you. You're not taking my life from me. I went to Jamie's party seen Aunt Jean and told them why you're are doing to your family. Aunt Jean said it was a dumb thing.(She said same thing?) Same. I am done with you and your childish act...so bye.....I hope you get out of life what you want. But don't look for me. I am done with you child...and telling me I was mean. I saved that letter I was so people reading it would see what you said and the truth would come out.
And here the email she is referring to. I wrote about two or three months ago after I choose to cut her out of my life. I haven't spoken to her since mid winter? Anyway sorry for the simplicity of this email. But my mother isn't the brightest crayon in the box.
"I am not mad at you mom.
I've taken a belief system that I hold in utter truth because it is the only way I believe that will allow me to live a happy life. I do not believe in heaven or hell. I do believe that everything I do effects everyone and everything around me. Because of this I carry a great deal of responsibility in my actions and the things I surround myself in. I must in every choice I make in this life be conscious of its reactions. This way I can make the choice that will generate the greatest possibility for "happiness". When I make a choice I must weight it against my own happiness and goodness it can create in my environment then make the best possible choice. Not for myself but for everyone surrounding me. I can never make a choice that hurts me or more importantly the environment I live in.
You have become the negative force in my life. An action that causes a great deal of negative emotions. Thus blocking me from the only pursuit of happiness I understand right now. I do not blame you for anything that is wrong in my life or any negative feelings I have. Those things are in my control ( and only my control) and I am trying my very best to move forward through life.
You may not see it but mother you're sick. You are hurtful. Though you are my mother and you have my unconditional love, I can not expose myself to your adverse nature. You for some reason need so much reassurance you leave room for no one else.
I truly do not want to hurt your feelings in this email. Because you are a wonderful mother, you have always been proud of me and will always love me. And that's more then most mothers will ever give. Please remember in this e mail you are loved, needed and unique. Rogie and Tatium need a world with you in as do I. But right now I need security and honestly. These things you can not give me.
I want to draw to your attention to your negative behaviors. Not to hurt you, I never want that. But to teach you, to show you, so you can improve and get better. So you can be a positive force in my life.
**********several paragraphs removed for personal reasons. ********
I've taken care of myself but your selfish behavior is damaging and belittling to everyone around you. You are too concerned with your self image.
This is not an email to discount you. If that were the case I would of done this in front of a crowded room. I respect you. This is your wake up call as a human being. Be a positive force. Live feeling you are enough. Live making choices based on system that doesn't count self image, worth, money or appearance.
I will always be here Mom,
But you should be in the pursuit of happiness too.
I hope you can forgive me for this email and my disconnection from you. Most of all I hope you understand. Please don't take this to harshly.
Barbi
Mother, you are loved. You are needed, you are wonderful. You don't need to lie. You don't need to pretend you're so strong. We know you are strong.
When you accept who you are. When you realize that living your own life is enough. I will be here.
Forgive me if I've been cruel. This is only way I know how to be. I want to honest with you as I want you to be with me.
---------
So I guess I don't need to try brain storm where my sense of complete worthlessness comes from.
Btw. I am on good terms with my sister, father and my Aunt Gene.
I am going to drown myself in the bathtub until I don't feel like a shitty human being for no reason. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 22nd, 2008|05:59 am] |
So I have like half a dozen real friends on this LJ. Mostly because I don't want strangers into my business. So one of the newling friends posts this ...so I return the favor.
My name:
Who is the love of my life:
Where did we meet:
Take a stab at my middle name:
How long have you known me:
When is the last time that we saw each other:
Do I smoke:
Do I drink:
When is my birthday:
What was your first impression of upon meeting me:
Do I have any siblings:
What's one of my favorite things to do:
Am I funny:
What's my favorite type of music:
What is the best feature about me:
Am I shy or outgoing:
Am I a rebel or do I follow the rules:
Do I have any special talents:
What is a memory we have once had:
Have you ever hugged me:
What is my favorite food:
Have you ever had a crush on me:
If there was one good nickname for me, what would it be:
What's your favorite memory of me:
Who do I like right now:
What is my worst habit:
If you and I were stranded on a desert island, what one thing would I bring?
Will you repost this so I can do it for you? |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2008|06:49 am] |
So because I don't really have memory or patience to write down everything I eat this month for live journal. As funny as it maybe instead I offer to write everything I eat in the bath tub.
Eating food in the bath tub is one of my favorite things to do. It something about the stimulating so many senses at once. I am that type of person that touches everything in a store as I walk by just because I want to know what feels like.
So this month
The first week of February I ate:
One mini candy bar and Pepsi
The second week
One hot dog, apple sauce, two ice cream bars and several glasses of juice.
It was a good week.
This week....
Just juice (really cold juice is amazing in a steamy hot bath).
Just for the record I'd like to state its very clean. I am really careful. No crumbs touch the water and no water on my food. I kinda ocd about it honestly. Though Frualien has tipped soda in my bath and also oat meal.
Also for the record I'd have to say smoothies and hot dogs are my favorite things to eat in the tub. In fact I only really hot dogs in the tub now that I think about it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 12th, 2008|05:59 am] |
So I woke back up at about 2 am. Just as the Aspirin is wearing off. Colds are not that bad. I can deal with the upset stomach, runny nose, pounding head ache, coughing, sore throat but the fever...it makes you ache all the time. That I could do with out.
I made some repoahoe'e(sp?) kielbasa soup. Which is one of dearest's favorite. The house smells amazing. I hope my soup isn't germy. I mean I did wash my hands and didn't sneeze in the kitchen...but still.
I am still angry with my mother but you know....I frankly don't care weather or not I speak to her again. Not now at least. Its this feeling of total indifference. I used to worry about what she say to family. But you know what? She is going to spread her poison anyway. My sister and little brother are the most importation to me. I've lost all ties to that woman. It feels like Colorado Quick Sliver:P
This weekend was really fun. I managed to keep a secret from dear for two entire weeks. While I planned a surprise party. I was so shocked. I am really horrible at being patient when it comes to giving presents and even worse at waiting to buy them. Its a really bad combo. I bought him a ball pit and ukulele. There were many wars fought in that ball pit that day. Fraulien was stuffed in many boxes. Skooma was over fed and preformed many painfully cute tricks. Which were "Awww", "Oh my gosh" and "ooo"-ed by many. We ate some biscuits with sausage gravy (which was a little charred on the bottom), pancakes (actually no one really ate those), tree types of scrambled eggs (all tasty), fresh made raisin bread and juice. I spent about 4 hours in the kitchen getting everything ready. I was so busy I didn't even realize that I was harvesting a special place in my internal organs for the coming cold.
My ex step dad made it. Which was way better then I thought. He fit right in, ate a lot and laughed a bunch. I wish my Dad would of come but hes a totally pussy when it comes to driving on the snowy road. I wish snow had teeth, then he have a real reason to be afraid. And I'd be amused in the least.
Lastest up date: Fraulien still hasn't eaten anything deadly ....just tried to drink turtle poop water. Laundry is half way done and I am going to play the sims till soup is done or he is home...then I am passing out again....so tired.
I also believe it is unfair that I have no fruit but have a blender for smoothies. While O has broken blender....if we could combine our powers it be like "Earth, Wind, Water, Fire" (fuck I don't remember how it goes). |
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| Updates |
[Feb. 3rd, 2008|01:34 am] |
So I am going to update as my friends updates.
My last updates were Tarcos and Random
Well Randoms were about his day and what he ate.
My day been rather drab. The heater is busted so I've been snuggled in layers trying to keep warm. Its about 62ish right now? The land lord is of course sleeping so we are waiting out till morning. I found out half way through the last SVU show that the cat had peed on the robe I was wrapped up in. So all together I'd say my days been pretty depressing. But my kitchen is bleached and I made a fort!
(its more impressive when the cat hasn't collapsed half of it,)
Tracos had something or other comics, fantasy and role play.
I used to day dream a lot. I don't anymore. My day dreams arnt so happy as they used to be. I can't help it.
I sleep off and on well. My life has radically changed over two or three years. What do you expect?
Though I have tiny fuzzy things that make me happier...well actually I don't like the cats. Pictures are located under the cut to spare your friends page.
( Fuzzy Monsters ) |
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| PedoPhillia |
[Jan. 28th, 2008|01:00 am] |
pedophilia is defined as sexual attraction (at various levels) to prepubescent children. Meaning if they have gone through puberty (normally 13 or older) it is not pedophilia.
Research is more and more strongly pointing to this be genetic trait. People are simply born this way. You can't control if you're gay or attracted children...so the argument goes.
I find this to be very scary. I fully back castration for repeat offenders.
But this brings to light several other debates. If homosexuals can not help how they are' then they should be able to safely explore their sexual behaviors with freedom. What about Paedophiliacs?
I think it crosses a line with a child is not able to consent.
My roommate though fully against pedophilia says "Well in most cases when the child feels dirty and ashamed when they get older in MOST sexual abuse cases. If it was done freely and with out shame would this change?"
I don't think so because I think the shame comes not from society but the fact they had not the ablity to consent. If given the choice a child may say "yes" or simply say nothing because they can not understand what is happening to them. Their brains are not developed to understand what the adult is actually requesting from them. Thus in later age they believe because they have the ability to reason they too have the ability to consent. They feel guilty and shame for allowing to it happen. Then for other anger and even hate for the person who took their will to consent away.
If pedophilia is natural then castration shouldn't be such a sensitive matter and drastic measurement. Simply put it shouldnt be seen as a last resort. If it indeed is natural then it should be in the line of defense for children. Three strikes your out. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 8th, 2008|06:15 am] |
Post something here.
Things that go Bop in my head
You know its really funny, I *have* forgiven Roger. But I still don't trust him. I thought the two came hand in hand.
This sandwich looked prefect but why doesn't it taste prefect?
You know I meet a lot of people that say they've been in love a few times. Are they under estimating the emotion or am I just picky?
Home Made Blizzard Blizzard are not as good as DQs.
No matter how nice they tell her she looks she still has a dinosaur nose. And not mine!
If I had a Million dollars I'd still want to live in poverty. Well American poverty. . .
Skooma will eat off my socks soon if I don't feed him.
How am I part of the same gene pool as my sister and mother? I guess morals are not genetic then.
My secret retreat of everyday is to eat a tasty treat in bath tub...like oatmeal.
I actually slept today <3
I wonder what the future holds for me?
Candy cigarettes are like bones...if bones were made of candy.
Eyes really creep me out.
School is taking forever...and I want to take off.
I have so much to learn and only one life time to do it in.
Thinking of doing it...
I wanna go on balloon ride.
I want to build sand castles.
I have a life that if anyone could possibly understand they'd be totally jealous.
I wish we had drive in movies, I've always wanted to make out during one. Just wanting to see why its so popular and make out.
Magen is coming over this weekend and it will be rockin.
Like you have no idea
Bea |
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| So I wanted to.... |
[Dec. 30th, 2007|04:01 am] |
Start a new very private blog but apparently I am not bright enough to figure out how to delete friends. I will try again and if doesn't work I will simply drop napalm on the data base.
When their skin melts off maybe they will think better about customer service.
So I am getting all emo again until I rid of all of you.
One by one. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2005|05:46 pm] |
An Inside Look at S&M
By: PT Staff
Summary: Kinky sex: inside S&M
It's the ultimate break from thoroughly modern stresses on the self.
You've got a respectably high-powered job. Maybe it's even visible one. You are regularly making difficult decisions that affect the lives of others, perhaps many others. You need to maintain a highly polished self-image. You like to feel in personal control. You're constantly advancing your independence, your responsibility, your success.
So how do you take a break? If you're like an unknown number of others, perhaps you've already signed up for a spanking.
Across the country, from sophisticated cities to subdued suburbs, men and women are acting out fantasies of sexual domination and submission. With their own partners or specially hired ones, they're turning to rituals of sadomasochism. To borrow their own favorite term, they've happily become "sex slaves" to their submissive desires.
These are people--a minority of both sexes--who desire to be tied up, handcuffed, gagged, or bound in uncomfortable positions; adults who desire to be whipped or tormented with droplets of hot wax on bare skin. Some write longingly of receiving "an old-fashioned, bare-bottom, over-the-knee spanking." Others desire to be embarrassed, verbally insulted, given commands, made to walk on all fours like a dog, or displayed naked in front of others who are fully clothed.
"The mainstream mild submissive will have one or two favorites," psychologist Roy E Baumeister, Ph.D., reports. For many people, submission goes no further than wanting to make love blindfolded once in a while.
Have they thoroughly lost their minds? Probably not, contends Baumeister. At a symposium on "Bizarre Behavior: The Social Animal at the Outer Limits," psychologists learned what has previously eluded behavioral experts of all stripes: how to make sense of sadomasochism. Masochists, Baumeister believes, are taking a breather from the growing burden of selfhood.
Relief From the Needy Self
Why would anyone want to escape awareness of the self? Because while a self is a handy, even a necessary, thing to have, it's also very needy. It requires constant upkeep and maintenance. You have to work hard just to maintain a positive self-image. Or "to be in control."
"Modern Western culture has placed enormous and unprecedented demands on individual selfhood," Baumeister observes. "The self is an unending project, throughout life, that constantly needs to be built up and defended. It has to prove capable and autonomous and attractive, along with everything else. As such it is a source of stress, and hence worry and pressure."
And if there's one thing stress research has taught us, it's that any respite from vulnerability is a good thing.
Baumeister, professor of psychology at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, reports that his analysis of the writings of masochistic men and women reveal consistent themes that run counter to usual human strivings:
o Loss of control---captured in bondage fantasies, involving devices like ropes, handcuffs, and gags.
o Humiliation--the elaborate, exquisitely detailed humiliations masochists desire (spanking is just the beginning) signify abandonment of the pursuit of self-esteem.
o Pain--normally something the self goes to great lengths to avoid, but sought out by masochists; a great destructor from self-reflection.
If masochism is about contradicting one's identity, then socioeconomic status reveals masochists for what they are. "Masochists seem to be drawn largely from the privileged classes," Baumeister finds. They are above average in education and income. "Society's real victims do not seek out masochistic sex. Rather it is often the rich, powerful, and successful, the people with the heaviest burdens of selfhood, who need the escape of masochism."
Of course, masochists are not really out to ditch their selves. Nor do they want to be sex slaves in reality. They want the fantasy of shedding their own identity, with its autonomy and responsibility, and submitting entirely to the will of another.
With sexual pleasure thrown into the bargain--because it's a great reinforcer of submissive acts. "Studies of actual couples who practice these things suggest that total full-time sexual slavery is fairly impractical and therefore relatively uncommon," Baumeister reports.
Fantasies of sexual submission turn out to be particularly common among women, more so than among men, even though men engage in more masochistic practices than women. (Then again, men engage more in most forms of unusual sexual behavior.)
Women Are Not Masochistic
But that is not grist for that old Freudian canard that femininity is masochistic. Instead, Baumeister believes, submission is essentially feminine, one version--a cartoon one, at that--of a feminine ideal. Consider these findings:
o One common masochistic fantasy involves symbolic sex change--and given the rootedness of identity in gender, there's no clearer way to shed an identity than by changing gender. But the sex change is always one way: from male to female, never from female to male.
o Up to a third of all women may have fantasies of being dominated sexually (although few act them out).
That's why Baumeister thinks female masochistic fantasies hold the key to understanding submissive behavior in general. "If anything, female masochists desire to be turned into an extreme caricature version of femininity, something far removed from their normal selves."
A common female masochistic fantasy is submission based on having one's body displayed to others. One of Baumeister's favorite--perhaps apocryphal--stories is that of a woman whose husband threw her a birthday party, inviting lots of people. She was posed nude and spread-eagle on the hors d'oeuvre table. Every party-goer who reached for a cracker or the vegetable dip had to reach across her bare self.
The audience factor, observes Baumeister, drives home the point of the entire enterprise: There's nothing like other people's attention to dramatize the transformation of self. Not only is this form of attention contrary to the standard adult role, but "it crosses some sexual boundary, as in doing something you object to."
Maybe you have masochistic fantasies that contain some new kind of sex act. Or a first homosexual experience. Or something highly degrading. And that is exactly the point -- the shocking degree to which you can, with a little imagination, shed your normal self. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2005|08:00 pm] |
Lector is the best mind fuck out there. I watched all the movies today. He is like a perfect hybrid between ALbert Fish and Ted Bundy. Now I am all sorts wound up. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2005|09:48 pm] |
Robert : youre like a psychiatrists wet dream, you know that?
sweetcharms3: lol |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2005|09:11 pm] |
My loss, Her Pain
When I first saw her, I thought
she was a living doll.
But I lost her to drugs and alcohol.
My loss, her pain.
I was blind, I could not see
what these things were doing
to me.
My loss, her pain.
I tried to get my life on track.
But for every step forward, I'd
take a step back.
My loss, her pain.
One day she came home and found me
Smoking crack.
Thats when she walked out and
never came back.
My loss, her pain.
Not a day goes by I don't think
of my living doll, that I lost to drugs
and alcohol.
My loss, her pain.
Its been five years but it seems
to me, like a lifetime plus one
eternity.
My loss, her pain.
She gave me the chance, but I
dropped the ball.
Now I've lost her foever, to drugs
and alcohol.
My loss, her pain
I wake up each day and wonder
why I bother, with out my
living doll, my daughter.
Now more then ever, now most
of all I depend on drugs and
alcohol.
My loss, her pain.
~Someone |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2005|02:47 am] |
| How You Are In Love | 
You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time.
You tend to give more than take in relationships.
You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.
You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change.
You are fickle and tend to fall out of love easily. You bounce from romance to romance. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2005|12:46 am] |
|
Mengele even introduced sexual degradation to the already dehumanizing process of selection. Inmates from the various women’s barracks were paraded before him, stripped totally nude. He often would make each woman stop and answer the basest questions regarding the intimate details of their sexual lives. While he constantly referred to Jewish woman as "dirty whores," it is impossible to escape the conclusion that Mengele’s cruelty was at least in part rooted to a secret sexual longing for these women whom the Reich had deemed as verboten, forbidden. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 26th, 2005|12:57 am] |
The angels, not half so happy in heaven,
Went envying her and me-
Yes!- that was the reason (as all men know,
In this kingdom by the sea)
That the wind came out of the cloud by night,
Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.
~poe |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2005|06:53 pm] |
| [ | State of Mind |
| |  curious | ] |
| [ | Grooves |
| | Thousand foot krutch | ] |
Ok so I am in a better mood so I have to write
Rogie faked suicide in front mother, so mother tried to drown him.
My family is upscale trailer trash.
My trip was great, I have bruised knees and a new bracelet. I got loads of candies and a bitty gecko.
I am getting things together....and no you cant know what for. |
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